You are not your pain...

Hi There. This is about to be the most personal thing I've ever shared in public since I started writing this blog, so I'll admit I'm a little scared.  But I feel like I'm not alone here, and maybe I can help somebody else. 

Two years and 4 months ago I suffered a miscarriage.  The tragedy for me though wasn't just the loss of the child, but I lost a great deal of trust with it.  My perception of how things happen and how people should respond to each other was shattered.  But I didn't have time to grieve, I was too busy picking up all these broken pieces and blaming myself for it happening in the first place.  For the most part I would say I cleaned up pretty well, but every once in awhile I'll step on a piece of leftover glass. 

These leftover pieces we find, sometimes years after you thought you dealt with the event; they are called insecurities.  They remind us of the damage that was done and that it could happen again and we need to make sure it doesn't.  But if you are a person of faith, you know that taking the situation in your own hands never works out to anyone's benefit, particularly your own.

All of us have insecurities...some more major than others.  But have you ever stopped to really examine where those insecurities stem from?   That's what it means to cope: to take a second to really learn and understand from that thing that happened so you can function despite it and still have a positive impact on the world around you.

When you were hurt as a child, your Mother/Father probably didn't just smack a band aid on top of it...dirt and all.  No, they cleaned it out.  Even if you winced in pain at the cleansing process, it had to be done in order to make sure the infection didn't spread or linger longer than necessary.

So how do you cleanse when the wound is on the inside? Well, from the inside of course.  You have to make your voice...the voice that is truly who you are, speak back to the scared little person that takes residence in your brain at times.  So this is the script I came up with....

"I hear you, and I know where you're coming from and I understand why you feel this way.  But I'm really not (ugly, dumb, unlovable, unworthy, mean, pathetic), despite what other people and/or experiences have taught you.  I am a child of God and He loves me, He made me and since He made me, none of those qualities are me. Those bad things happened so that I could be a better person.  The type of person that understands and can help other people through their pain, not so that I could dwell in that pain.  I know some of those things still hurt and they make the world seem like a scary place, but there are beautiful things in it to, and I don't want to miss out on them.   I know God said He has good plans for me; everything He plans for me is good, even if it hurts at the moment.  So I'm going to trust Him ok? It's time to leave that behind me."

I wrote that for me, I encourage you to write your own script in your true voice. But before you can discover your true voice, I encourage you to spend time with God first so you know who you really are.  Then you will know when you're talking, or when fear/pain/despair/anger, all things that are not part of your original design are talking.  Don't embrace those things as who you are, and don't allow anyone else to tell you that's who you are either.  You are whoever you chose to be.

Having a full life doesn't mean you are insecure free, it means you can look those insecurities in the face and decide to live life to the fullest any way.

Say what's on your mind?

"Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve the silence? " - Sai Baba

Wow! I think that quote just revolutionized my whole life!

As only a child (and many people who have not known me my whole life may not believe this) I am an introvert by nature.  It is actually natural for me to stay in my cozy shell where I know I am safe and sound and everything around me is familiar and operates just as it should; you're not in my world unless I invite you in.  See introversion is less about how talkative you are, but more so how you interact and perceive the world around you.  An extrovert sees the world as a playground, whereas an introvert proceeds with caution, ultra sensitive to predators and harmful situations.

It was not until I started to reach adulthood that I decided I was going to walk boldly in the world...."throw caution to the wind!"  I decided I would be asserting myself and giving my opinion as I decided it was needed.  No more fading into the background for me!  I was trying to make myself over into what I perceived as a healthier, better, extroverted adult.  "Hello world, let me tell you everything I think and feel because I'm fearless! And who doesn't love honesty, right?" Wrong!  Sometimes the power of emotions can suck all the oxygen out of a room; it's best to use their powers in moderation.

As I settle into my thirties, and fully settling into my adulthood, I'm realizing that there is room in the middle.  I don't have to exist in one extreme or the other.  There is a huge benefit in being aware of your own space and boundaries and operating in caution while at the same time embracing and welcoming the world around you.  The key is knowing when which side supports the goals and objectives at hand.  There's nothing wrong with being either one and ideally I think it's best to know how to be both at the same time.

Sometimes silence has it's place.  Sometimes my opinion isn't worth hearing.  Sometimes you need to stop and take some time to think about and digest the world in your own shell and re-enter it when you feel like it.    And sometimes you need to take a stand, speak to strangers, dance in public, and feel comfortable by yourself in a crowded room. 

And as customary I can't think on life and identity without looking to God for validation so I leave you with this:

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." Ephesians 4:29

If you loved me...well, you wouldn't change a thing

Running alone gives you a lot of time to think.  You can experience the full spectrum of human emotion if you give yourself space to actually FEEL.  One of the emotions we probably spend the most time trying to figure out, justify, analyze, is love.  And most often the thoughts are concentrated on how we are getting love, how we can get more love and why what we already have is not enough.

It's really no different than the way we think about money.  To paraphrase my Bishop, Jesus spent more time talking about money than he did about anything else because he knew that people would listen when you're talking about that thing they hold so dear and just can't get enough of.  And one thing that Jesus made clear is that in order to get one has to give freely, cheerfully and selflessly. 

Is it not the same when you are dealing with the greatest treasure we can offer, that thing we can't get enough of ,but doesn't cost a thing?  So it leads one to believe that you get more love when you concentrate less on getting it, and more on giving it.  And to get to that point is really an evolution of the mind. 

I believe as you truly grow into a loving, caring individual, your thoughts revolve more into what YOU can do better.  You spend more time reflecting on your own reaction to situations instead of what the other person should have done differently.  And you still think good loving thoughts about those closest to you whether they met your expectations or not.  An immature heart says "if you love me you would...." a mature heart says, "it doesn't matter what you do or don't do, I can't help but think fond thoughts of you."

Let Go...

Think of your unhappiest moments.  Think about your discomfort, your anxiety and even anger.  When I think on those moments I realize that they have one thing in common; the person or thing that was making me unhappy was someone/something I had no control over.  I wanted to will a different outcome than what I got and it made me miserable.  I felt that somehow wanting meant I should get.  Of course here is where my Mother's voice comes in saying "You can't have everything that you want,"  but even at 31 the message is still sinking in.

Now think on your happiest moments.  Think about the elation, the joy, the surprise you felt.  When I think on those moments I realize they have one thing in common; the person or thing causing me happiness was completely outside my control.  When I think on those moments I realize that I had very little to do with it.  I didn't demand it, I didn't sulk about it, I wasn't calculating my every move to make sure I got it, I just was being and just by being I walked into it.  It's really a phenom actually.  Exert control: unhappy.  Relinquish control: happy.

Ironically happiness never comes to miserable people.  People who are hard to satisfy, set too high expectations, that even they would have difficulty meeting; these are the people that happiness always eludes, because happiness is drawn to its own likeness.  I know for me when I was just minding my own business, giving others the space they need to be who they are, being kind just because, I was in essence being happy and making an environment where happiness felt welcomed.  It doesn't mean I was settling, it doesn't mean I don't have standards, it just means I'm content with me, and therefore able to be content with everything and everyone around me without placing demand.  When I feel myself creeping over to the darkside, I just remind myself that I like who I am, with or without that person or thing and I start to feel better.

"...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound.  In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." Philippians 4: 11-12

In Love

I am missing
My hand in the palm of another
I am missing
Fingers running through my hair
I am missing
Wanting and longing stares
I am missing
Sweet nothings traced on my back
I am missing
Warm air at the nape of my neck
I am missing
Anticipation and day dreams
And long talks about nothing and everything
I am missing
Falling hopelessly, desperately,
With no rhyme or reason
In Love

Where is My Burning Bush

Where is my burning bush
Where is my writing on the wall
Where is my knight in shining armor
I've been foresaken of them all.

Where is my road less traveled
Where does my treasure lay
Where is my talent buried
I cannot find it anywhere

There is no booming voice from Heaven
There is no book being written
There is no staff
To part the way

I have but one refuge
I have but one gift to give
My faith is all that I have
The only truth I know
The truth that is you

Holy spirit guide me now
For all the answers lie with you
Only one thing that matters
Is that I matter to you

But who are you?

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye', when all the time there is a plank in your own eye. You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:3-5 NIV

Today on my way into church, I noticed a coffee cup rolling around on the interstate. Ever since the 4th grade I've dispised the act of littering. If I throw a bubble gum wrapper on the ground I feel guilt ridden the rest of the day. So, when I ride past this coffee cup, I curse the culprit under my breath. I even say to myself, "they probably were on their way to church, breaking the law like that."

Then something amazing happened. I looked down at my speedometer and realized I had been driving at least 20 miles over the speed limit since I got in the car. I started to laugh at myself because here I was breaking a law and condemning someone else for breaking another. The Holy Spirit came and corrected my thoughts.

See, we humans esteem one law more important than another. This man/woman I was criticizing probably drove the speed limit and followed every other traffic law, yet did not truly appreciate the damage littering does to our planet over time. They may be unaware how this careless act done repeatedly could effect their childrens inheritance. But regardless, we both were wrong and therefore unsuitable to judge each other.

But it's not easy or natural for us to come to this diplomatic conclusion on our own. It's very second nature actually to become so focused in figuring out what's wrong with what everyone else is doing, or what type of people other people are. But when you find yourself doing this, quickly ask yourself the question, "but what am I doing?" and "who am I?"

I laughed at myself all the way to church. I'm sure God laughed with me. I cast out my judgment and turned the mirror on myself. I am a "speed demon" by all accounts and break the law regularly. I'm often distracted by the radio or a hair that's out of place. I'm an impatient driver and I'm irritated by anyone who gets in my way. Heaven help all those that surround me. My prayer is that God work on these flaws and help me mature spiritually and as a law-abiding citizen. Now, will I change over night? Probably not, but I have seen the light and know I need correction. I know who I am, good and the bad.

Now, who are you?

Created in Love

"No, in all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 37-39 (NIV)

Well, Paul pretty much covered it and I don't think there is a whole lot to add to it. But as you meditate on this as I did, I hope you notice a very important key word; "love." This is a love that has been with us since the dawn of time ("him who loved us") and it is a love that exists even now ("from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord"). It is through this divine characteristic that we are able to conquer anything that comes our way.

God is the purest form of love and if we are created in his image then it is fair to say that we too can achieve this very pure form of love; after all, we were reconciled to God so that we can reclaim our rightful place on this earth as beings made in his divine image. We do not conquer the adversity that comes into our lives by brunt force alone (or at all in most cases), but by having a spirit of love.

Now, before you go stick a flower in your hair and go dancing in a poppy field, we need to recognize there are huge differences between God's love and what we perceive through our modern lenses as love. Media tells us that love often time hurts ("He hurts me because he loves me."). Love may exist in a tense situation, but if love is exhibited in a manner that hurts you and/or the recipient of your love, then it turns into something that can be destructive, cold, and angry, and make you feel isolated from God and the rest of the world, and therefore no longer love. The bible describes love this way:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perservers. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Notice how powerful love sounds? Not weak, not inconsistent, not afraid. With God's love in your heart you can do amazing things because the love inside you will resonate out to the world and with it the ability to change any situation for good. When you love this way, this is when you are closest to God because then you are most like him. When there is love between the creator and the creation, then nothing can tear that a part and there is nothing that you can't overcome.

I encourage you today to love. Love God, love yourself, love the people around you (even the ones you're having difficulty liking), love your crappy job, and love the neighbors' loud dog. Basically love life; there is more power in that than hating it.

“All the single ladies…”

Here's something I should probably do more often, especially considering the premise of this blog, but I would like to give a special dedication to all the single ladies out there.

At the ripe old age of 30, I'm beginning to wonder when my journey in singledom will be over. Not so much because I decided I was ready for it to be over, but because co-workers I barely know ask me why I'm not married, strangers on the street when they learn the answer is "no," respond with "don't you want to have to children???" and other single available men I meet (some even closer to the grave than me) boast loudly, "there must be something wrong with you!" So, it's no wonder that after I'm done praying for world piece and the salvation of the universe, that I ask God to tag on a nice lean piece of man to keep me warm at night for life while he's at it. But not just any man, a man that will truly appreciate me for me, and be as gaga over me as I am over him; and that's the key right there isn't it?

Sometimes you're on a one way street, giving more than you should, and sometimes it's like a semi is coming at you, you're just not that in to him, but he's waaayyyy too totally into you, so much so that you can't breathe (guys, I'm sure it's the same way for you). Finding the one that's traveling on the opposite road of loves highway that decides to take a pit stop at the exact same moment you do, well that's pretty tricky and it's something that you have no control over because this other person is out minding their own business and trying to navigate through their own lives; unfortunately, they'll get to ya when they get to ya. So, what's a girl to do in the meantime?

Keep traveling. I rejoice in the Lord and all that he's done for me and I love on the people that already love me and the new ones that cross paths with me with all my heart. Every person in my life is special to me and treated with care. Matrimony is a beautiful thing, but it's not everything, so don't treat every relationship as an ends to a means of wearing a ridiculously overpriced white dress. Until you get to that point, enjoy the ride. Enjoy every date, even the bad ones (because they give you something to laugh about later), treat him with care (even if you know it's not going to last forever) because it's all practice for the day that you and that one special guy pull into the same gas station, go to the same movie alone, laugh at the same offhanded joke, at the same time. It could be at 30, 40, 50, whenever…it really doesn't matter, because when it's supposed to happen, you just want to be ready. Love doesn't care about your age; it cares about the condition of your heart so take care of it and let go and let God have his way.

I am what I am

Have you ever noticed that some of the most famous, most valuable works of art are not perfect? Actually the imperfections seem to add to their overall worth. We praise the Venus de Milo as one of the most famous Greek pieces of arts in history and the chick is missing arms!

Imagine yourself on display every day. People come into your life and at first you seem beautiful and they praise the Creator for making you. You're kind, you're generous, you're compassionate, and for awhile they marvel in your presence. But as time goes by, they notice that you're missing something or you have too much of something else; you're sensitive, but too sensitive; you're ambitious but too demanding. All of a sudden they back away and cock their heads to the side as they try to figure out if you really are a beautiful piece of work, or just a broken statue.

Now imagine yourself staring at Venus de Milo and demanding she grow arms so that she could be your idea of perfect. It would be like, well, talking to a rock. The rock is not going to change just because you want it to, just like you can't change just because people want you to, and people will not change just because you want them to.

There are flaws within you that were not part of your original design; but came with the wear and tear of the different seasons and patterns in your life. It's up to you to work through those things and learn how to minimize them so they don't overshadow your more becoming qualities. But there are traits in you that to the God that made you are essential to your being. He would not change those things about you for the world; instead He provides us instructions in His word on how to use those qualities to bring Glory to His name and in turn attract people who despite your flaws will still see you for what you are; a work of art because they know who made you.

God says, "I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born." Isaiah 44:2. This means that even before your parents thought of you, God was working on you. He was designing you, molding you, providing you with the inherent tools you would need to make a positive impact on the world around you. Yes, you are imperfect, but God did not make any mistakes when he made you. And the person observing and dissecting you in this earthly museum, well they have flaws too; perhaps some of the same flaws they see in you. Some things you can improve upon, but some things will remain the same.

Do yourself a favor; accept yourself and others for who they are. Embrace the positive qualities in people, and the things they lack won't seem so significant. If anything, it will make them all the more marvelous. Don't play God and demand a change in others that you can't make in yourself.

I leave you with this wise quote: "I yam what I yam and I yam what I yam that I yam" says Popeye the Sailor Man.

Diamonds and Clay

In March of 2005, Ashley Smith was living an otherwise uneventful life. She had no idea as she walked up to her apartment that she was going to encounter the man that would change her forever. Brian Nichols was a man on the run and with good reason. He had just viciously killed a superior court judge, wounded a deputy and killed a court clerk. He appeared to most watching, including myself, a man with no conscience; no sense of value for human life, yet Ashley remained calm in his presence and convinced this man to turn himself in.

Today if you Google Ashley's name you will find she is now Ashley Smith Robinson and has her own web site http://ashleysmithrobinson.com/. You'll learn from reading her Bio that at the time she encountered Brian she was on Chapter 32 of "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren; "Using What God Gave You." She was a widow of a man that died a violent death, and a mother that had temporarily gave up her parental rights. It was her story that convinced Brian Nichols to do the right thing and not take her life, his own and anyone else's. Armed with nothing more than her faith in God and her own past, Ashley was able to conquer a giant.

Today Ashley speaks all over the country, giving people hope and teaching them about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. What I find interesting about Ashley is that when Brian found her she wasn't at her "A" game so to speak. She had made some bad choices; she wasn't perfect and wasn't pretending to be. At the moment he found her she was trying to better herself…find her purpose. Out of her own tragic chain of events little did she know God was about to use her to guide someone else out of another chain of tragic events. It's really remarkable when you think about it…the way God works.

You never know what's around the next corner in life. When you think that you've done everything wrong and your life is the exact opposite it should be, that's when you may find that you are of the most use. Diamonds don't come out of the ground sparkling, reflecting the light. No, diamonds start off as coal; dirty, dark and seemingly worthless. It is only the pressure put on them by the weight of the earth around it that they are molded into precious jewels worth a million times more their weight.

I used to wonder when the meteor meant to change my life was going to finally enter my atmosphere, but after seeing stories like Ashley's and countless others, I realize that it's not just one event that is going to make me what I'm meant to be. It is everything that happens in our lives from the moment we're born. Every turn, every step, every decision is preparing you; the question is, are you going to crumble under the pressure of being human and flawed, or are you going to allow nature to run its course? Diamonds don't become diamonds in a day; everything worthwhile and precious takes time.

Now when things don't go my way; when I'm cut deep by someone that was supposed to care about me; when I fall short of even my own expectations; I just picture myself on a potter's wheel. I see that potter pilling clay on top of clay, spinning the wheel fast, and then slow, concentrating on every detail, moving his hands delicately to smooth those lumps out. I picture him giving me a basic shape and then I picture him letting me sit for awhile and then coming back with tools small enough to make intricate little designs. I picture having to add water now and then so that I don't dry before I'm ready. Sometimes I picture him scrapping the whole project and starting from scratch, but never giving up until his masterpiece is complete. He studies his work and see's where it can be better. He adds to it, he takes away from it. He does whatever is necessary to make the clay stand on its own, until it's no longer clay anymore, but fine porcelain. That is what I see for me. I'm ok with not understanding everything, because I understand the one that created me. He is a perfectionist and He wants the best for me, like He wants the best for you. You see a potter traditionally does not just make things that are pretty; he makes things that are of good use. He takes such care and time in creating them because their use is specific and it's important they are made with care otherwise they're no good.

Ashley was made with care and God placed her here for a purpose. Today her story has opened the gateway of purpose for countless others. Out of the life of one, God was able to touch many. You and I are being molded right now, not just for our good, but also for the good of others. Whatever you may be going through, just trust you'll be alright. The potter has you in his hands and he's smoothing out your edges all the time.

The Key to Success is believing YOU have the key

What if a tree was to decide one day that it didn't have what it took to be a tree, or that it changed its mind and only wanted to be a seedling for the rest of its existence; what would you think of that? Well, you would think that was ludicrous being that trees don't reason and if they could reason, why would they deduce that they should be anything other than trees? It sounds crazy that something created to shield from the heat of the sun, produces oxygen for other living creatures to breathe, and is in most cases beautiful to behold, produces delicious fruits for us to eat and beautiful flowers for us to adorn our homes and bodies, would want to be anything other than itself. If you look at the world around you, nothing created tries to be anything other than what it is: with the exception of mankind.

We are probably the only living thing that tries to be everything but what we were designed to be. And what's that you ask? Well, God said that He created us in His image. We can't see God, we can't physically feel Him with our hands, so this is a hard concept for us to grasp. I believe it is the reason why we spend so much time tearing each other down and picking ourselves apart. How can so many different individuals have spawned from the same source and all be created in that sources image and all be capable of achieving great things? It seems impossible, so therefore there must be only a selected few of us that are true representations of what God intended, right? This stance has lead to genocide, and World Wars, the oppression of many peoples, and the self-oppression of even more.

Well, my personal take on it is that when God gave us life, He gave us a piece of Himself; everything good and unique about you is your gift from God Himself. This is a being that just with a thought created an entire universe and breathed life into it by just thinking it. If God gave us just a tiny slither of His power, is it any wonder to behold some of the great accomplishments of the human race? In a world that functions in perfect order (when uninterrupted by us) why do we often act as if our small individual lives are spinning out of our control? We blame our circumstances on a silly thing called chance, and we leave our future up to the same culprit.

But if we are created in Gods image, a God that created Heaven and Earth and everything in between, a God so genius that He was able to create a planet that can sustain life…if we were created in the image of this very same God, wouldn't it make sense to deduce that we are able to be whatever it is we want to be and that we have the power to change whatever we want to change about our own circumstances? History actually has provided us example after example of humans, both good and bad, who were aware of their tremendous ability to impact their world and they did it, and it all started with a thought. Look at ordinary people who permanently left their mark on history: Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr, Malcolm X, Alexander the Great, William Wallace, and the list goes on and traces back all the way to the beginning of time. But many of us insist that greatness discriminates and has passed us by, but when you look at all those examples they all have one thing in common; they were flesh and blood just like you and I, and we would've never known there was more to them if they didn't at some point realize it for themselves.

Mary Mary, a popular gospel duo, has a song called, "God in Me." In it they sing about a young woman that has it "going on" by most people's standards, but that what people don't see is that she has tapped into the God inside of her. When you tap into that God inside of you, you cannot be anything less than what you are, which is great. When we neglect, ignore or shy away from the natural talents God placed inside us, we are like a tree deciding it no longer wants to be a tree, or that it was perfectly content with just being a seed. See, the tree is here now, it has no choice but to grow up and perferm the function it was designed to perform, and that is probably how we should conduct ourselves. We should act as if we have no other choice but to use the design God has placed in us, that every tool we need, every answer to our problems and every key we need to unlock any door before us, has been placed strategically inside of us. We have it now; everything that we are supposed to ever be is already in us, we just have to tap into it.

Summed up in this one rule....

The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Romans 13:8-10

"Summed up in this one rule..." It sounds so simple, but if it were the history of the world, and most of our individual lives, would be much different.

Today I went to visit my cousin who is locked up. As to be expected, he is ready to get out, but this particular visit he shared something that really struck a cord. He said that "prison, changes you." He went on to explain that with each passing year he can feel a difference in himself and he is worried he will never be the person he once was. I knew at the root of his fear was that people who once treated him with such familiarity would now be like strangers. That his crime would follow him everywhere he goes and people would be able to see his blood stained hands and not want to get close to him for fear it will rub off. That his mistake would mean that no one would love him like they once did.

On the way home from visiting him I thought about this while my father played a sermon from T.D. Jakes. The verse was out of Luke. I can't quote it exactly, but it was the same concept in the versus from Romans. The sermon was centered around the man that sat along the road to Jericho and all the people that passed him by and dismissed him because of his leprosy. All those people that could've and should've helped that man did not because they found his infliction abhorable. It was as if the mans condition made him unworthy and unlovable. As I listened, the theme of my day began to take shape in my mind, and I realized that we all share a common need and fear.

Need: To Love
Fear: Not being Loved.

My response to my cousin was that we're all changing. I myself am very different than the person I was six years ago. With aging comes awareness, sometimes an awareness you wish you didn't have. You realize that not everything that sparkles is a diamond and wolves really do wear sheeps clothing. You find yourself taking on all the responsibilities of everything bad that has ever happened to you or as a result of you: after all, who amongst us is blameless? You take on this critical lense of your own life and before you know it you have turned that critical lense outward to the rest of the world and no one can get close to you. You want to love others, but in fear of not being loved in return, you hurt them instead.

We abuse one another, whether it be emotionally or physically. We reap warfare against each other, unable to connect with each other on any real meaningful level, and are generally suspicious of one another. We cloak ourselves in an invisible protective armor, hiding all our vulnerabilities and ready to harm anyone that gets too close. The command is to love thy neighbor as ourselves, but what if you don't love yourself. Loving your neighbor seems rather impossible in that case.

In a sense, a lot of us live in a prison. We allow life to harden us. With each rejection, each disappointment, each wrong turn, we feel that we have somehow become unlovable and our greatest fear is realized; our strongest need unable to be met due mostly to our own resistance and unwillingness to show who we really are.

But, Jesus saw no fault in us so great to prevent Him from giving His life for us. Despite our deeply sinful nature, He still saw the beauty in us and He challenges us to see it in each other. He challenges us to not treat each other like lepors on the side of the road. Some of us when we see weakness in others act disgusted with the reminder of our own vulnerability in being human.

We are commanded to love not because other people deserve it, but because that is what we were created to do; we love because the almighty God loves us. Anything different is unnatural and contradictory to the will of God. So yes, life does change you, but it doesn't have to break you.

As for myself, it takes more energy the older I get to be an eternal optimist than it does to be a self-loathing pessimist; sometimes I am exhausted. There are times I find it difficult to look past my own flaws and mistakes, and I find myself wanting to hide from others. But every once in awhile something magical will happen. I will meet a complete stranger, that despite whatever wrong I may have done, whatever may be "ugly" about me, doesn't matter. Maybe for just a moment or maybe even a lifetime, we love each other and are blameless in each others site. Just like that, both our needs have been met, our fear has been temporarily subsided and all is right with the world and it is because of those moment that I know that love is real, and love is worth it and I am thankful for it.

"It doesn't hurt you any to be good to other people"

My Granny said this to me tonight while I tried to help her get ready for bed.  She said, "I just want you to know I appreciate you and I want you to know that it doesn't hurt you any to be good to other people....the Lord loves for you to be good to others."

She then presented me with a hypothetical situation.  She said "suppose I ask you to go find my dentures.  You might think it's real comical, but you wouldn't laugh at me.  You would go find my dentures and take pleasure in knowing you have something to laugh about later.  But it didn't hurt you any and one day you may need someone to help you like I need someone to help me." 

I laughed along with her and agreed that God was good all the time, and that life was good, and that yes, it doesn't hurt to be good to other people.  I also assured her that it was my pleasure because she took care of people the vast majority of her life and if not for her selflessness I wouldn't be here today.

As I left her room I felt elated.  I felt that I had accomplished a great feat.  I had gained the gratitude of another human being and all I'd done was help roll her hair and show her how to operate the small space heater in her room.  I think now about the moments that I have felt of most use, of most purpose and it was when somone else recognized that I had value.  And even if they didn't say thank you, as my Grandmother told me, it didn't hurt me any.  If anything it made me better.  It put out the energy into the universe that when I am old and gray I hope to get back.  If only I spent more time thinking of how I could be of more use to others.  After all, if you believe in God you believe also that we were put here to glorify Him, and the ultimate way we can glorify Him is to humble ourselves enough to be good to our fellow man/woman. 

But at the ripe old age of 30 I find my thoughts more times than not are preoccupied in how to better myself.  I wish I could take a vow that this would change, but I won't lie, I do want and strive for better for my own life.  I will however express gratitude for the people and circumstances in my life that constantly remind me the world is bigger than myself.  Those reminders help fine tune my answer to "where do I fit in this world?"  Because where I fit depends largely on how willing I am to put myself out there for others, because at the end of the day what could it hurt?

Living in Color

They say most people dream in black and white, I think a lot of people live in black and white also.  What does it really mean to live/dream in color?  It means reading in between the lines of what people say.  It means seeing the silver lining in every situation.  It means recognizing the many dimensions of everyone you come in contact with and respecting and loving them for it.  It means seeing the poetry in every living thing.

As we get older, our perceptions of the world around us can become more and more jaded.  Our experiences act as a paint brush over our canvas of life.  It we're not careful with our selections of friends, lovers and careers, too many dark colors can be thrown on the canvas, blur together, and become one huge gray mess.  It can get to the point where you can no longer tell the difference between friend and foe; everyone is a potential enemy.  No choice seems like the right choice and you can't trust your own instincts and certainly not the advice of others. 

We do have the option however to hold on to our childhood innocence for as long as we live.  I, for example, have been told on numerous occasions that I see the world through rose colored lenses.  I think at times it has been meant as both a compliment and a put down, but I'm ok with both.  See, I have chosen to never forget and let go of the fantasies of a beautiful magical world that often occupied my thoughts as a child and I think that choice makes me a happier person and more fun to be around.  I no longer believe in dragons and unicorns, but I do still believe good conquers evil, and love is the most powerful weapon we can have against hate. 

I have my moments, like everyone does, where it seems the world is falling apart around me, nothing is going my way and nobody is on my side.  But there is a heaviness that comes with all those negative emotions.  You can't sleep, your body aches, your mind is restless, you notice lines on your face that you never saw before.  It's just not a good place to be.  It is during these moments that you must make a choice.  The choice you make will dictate the outcome of whatever situation you're in.  And that choice is: are you going to sink into the depths of depression and just give up, or are you going to muster up every colorful, beautiful part of you and turn your world around.  It takes work to be positive. 

Any artist, no matter how naturally talented, invest a lot of his time, energy and patience in order to create a masterpiece.  He may even have to start over once or twice and as in the art of life, you're not always going to get it right the first time.  But the vibrancy you envisioned for your life cannot die just because things are not going your way.  The artist knows his vision even when their creation is not looking much like a work of art. 

We are the artist, the world is our canvas.  Take everything life throws at you and dare to paint the sky red if you want to.

When it rains....it floods

It's amazing how the seasonal events in nature mirror our own lives. 

Spring: the beautiful time of rebirth.  The world is brand new, the air is crisp and clean, everything is brighter, somehow stronger. Birds sing louder, they seem happier. Ducks and geese have returned to their favorite spring destination, and wade happily in shallow waters.  It's a great time for weddings, baby showers, graduations and new dreams.  Life takes on new meaning and there's a slight spring in our step.  Everything makes sense and we relax in the feeling of having all the answers.

Summer: hot fun in the summer time.  The ocean water is warm and calming.  Dolphins play and seagulls are plenty.  The sun is hot.  The days are longer, but somehow seem to go by faster.  Flowers are in full bloom and vibrant.  Ducks and geese have settled comfortably in their favorite pond, but aware their time there is short.  We have cookouts, family reunions and adults play like children.  We stick out toes in the sand and baste in the sun, never wanting the day to end.

Fall: times are a changing. Leaves start falling.  Ducks and geese become restless in the cooling water.  Highways are lined with burnt orange, green and red. Even the sky grows gray and restless awaiting the changes ahead. And the rain....the rain starts falling.  School starts and children start off eager.  Parents rush around, chugging coffee, barely eating, tossing and turning, barely sleeping.  We start working seasonal part-time jobs in hopes of having enough money for Thanksgiving Turkey and Christmas giving.  Malls stay open longer and get busier.  Sitting in traffic longer, getting home later.  Working more and doing less together in hopes of doing more together.  And the stress...the stress starts compounding.

Winter: fly away birdie.  The pond is empty.  The tress are bare.  The ocean is cold and rocky.  The dolphins have left, large whales remain.  The snow starts falling.  The sky has settled into darkness and the days are shorter but seem to last forever.  The earth is still and cold because it is waiting.  The anxiety of fall is starting to clam down.  We have resolved that we've done all we can do and happily exchange gifts around a Christmas tree decorated in love the night before, and save the worry of our dry bank accounts for another day.  In the midst of our anxiety, we find peace and grace.  We wear heavy sweaters and jackets, drink hot chocolate and apple cider and snuggle next to each other while singing Christmas carols.  This is the season babies are made.  

And then, here we are, in Spring again.  And something miraculous has happened.  With no assistance from man, the earth has decided to bloom and grow again.  The geese make their way across the land.  A seed begins to open and push it's way through the earth towards the sun.  The ice begins to melt and the floods are gone, and underneath it all is life.  And at the end of winter, we have made new resolutions, some will only blossom for a few months and others will last a lifetime.  We have learned about ourselves and each other.  We have learned that we are stronger and more resiliant than we ever thought we were.  We have realized that we still can be kind to each other and that we still love each other.  We resolve to work, to play and to love harder.  And we begin anew, every year until our years are no more.  It is a beautiful thing, this world and creation God has made.  

We grow, and we live, and we change, and we die in some way every year of our lives.  We experience a death of old habits, beliefs, relationships and circumstances and then we experience a rebirth into a whole new set of habits, beliefs, relationships and circumstances.  But pay attention through each season.  You will realize you don't have force anything.  Everything happens in its time, nothing happens out of order, in nature or in our lives.  

What was I afraid of?

Hello There, living, breathing beings of the universe. It has been a minute hasn't it? Over a year ago I set-up this account, threw my thoughts out there and then never looked back again to see if anyone threw back. I am flattered to see in that year at least one person felt I had a legitimate gripe.

So, I read my thoughts and realized that although a lot has happened, not a whole lot has changed, at least not in the physical realm. The sales job has been replaced by a temporary job as a loan processor. The male mid-life crises environment has been replaced by a bi-polar female dominated one. The part-time job has been replaced with Muay Thai and a Real Estate Class. So, I am still lacking sufficient sleep and I'm still the opposite of rich. But on the upside, I do have full access to a supply closet and I don't have to buy my own pens. Thank God for small miracles.

But, although the Glamorous Life still eludes me, my perspective and attitude are much different. The first step I made was to face my giants. Every year I order a copy of my credit report, and every year I politely file it away in a deep dark corner and pray that life will imitate art, and that last scene from Fight Club will actually come true. But this year I have done something different. I answer the phone when creditors call. YES! And much to my surprise, they listen to me! I have climbed up the bean stalk and decided that I'm giving that giant back his Golden Egg, aka Golden MasterCard. I realized that my mistake was not in wanting more, but not knowing how to work it with less. And now that I have so little, I have really learned how to make it stretch.

A year ago I would not have shared these details about my life. I was too afraid to admit them to myself. I kept thinking, there's got to be a way around this, but I know now that the only way to get to my destination is to follow the path I am on; no short-cuts. You go through it, and in the process those shackles will fall off of your ankles and you will know that you are so much stronger than you thought you were.

They say everything happens for a reason. I believe this is not just cliche' it is the good honest truth. If not for the ignorance of that 22 year old girl that was too prideful to ask for help, too eager to help everybody else, and to blind to see herself, I would not be here today fully aware of my vulnerabilities, willing to take responsibility, and knowledgeable of what it's going to take to move past this, and doing it! And doing it well, I might say...

Until we meet again my friend...God bless you and keep you all the days of your life.

I changed my mind, I want a cheeseburger

Monday morning at 6:45 a.m. my alarm goes off. I fumble around aimlessly because I fear opening my eyes will rob me forever of the beautiful black mute world in my eyelids. My hand finds it's way to the alarm and I turn it off and quickly halt any brain activity of my upcoming day so I can reclaim that place in my brain that only works when I'm sleeping. I briefly drift off and dream of being...awake, but in a different place and time. So that proved fruitless. Thirty minutes later my second alarm clock (that also moonlights as an annoying communication device that makes it impossible for me to escape my boss and important messages from Citibank Student Loans) begins to chime. I stop fighting and open my eyes. It's time to put on my game face and face the world.

I take a long time in the shower, take even longer brushing my teeth and actually sit down on the side of the bed to thoroughly lotion myself while I chuckle to my favorite comedian on the radio as he provides insightful antidotes that make life seem more simple and humorous than it is. But amazingly my attempt to make myself late to work to my oh so fabulous sales job is foiled by my fear of disappointing my Sales Manager by being late for her oh so important Monday Marketing Meeting that consist of telling us how much we all suck so far this month. But as usual, she's confident we can turn it all around and that we should be thrilled to spend our days selling mailing solutions for such a great company. Never mind the fact this awesome company pays us a minimal salary, an even less percentage of the margin on the equipment we sell, won't offer us a company car, gives us a laptop accompanied by a live tool that we can't use in the field and won't even give us pens, file folders, notepads and a printer that works. Our fearless leader even so graciously proclaimed that he's not running an Office Depot and if we want those type of luxuries we can buy it ourselves.

But I digress. The meeting goes off without a hitch and is starts late as usual. Everyone else seems so excited to be there. I look at my forty to fifty something counterparts and admire the way they've mastered blowing smoke up our bosses ass. I mean seriously, how are they so excited about this job? What's to get excited about? In the time I've worked for this company (all of eight months) I've seen five people come and go. That's some turnover. Like me, they realize they were sold a pipe dream about the money to be made and without the money there really is nothing to be passionate about for a twentysomething year old who probably didn't dream in college of selling postage meters and postage meter accessories. Unlike me however, my former youthful peers do not suffer from the people pleasing disease that has plagued me my whole life and weren't afraid to leave a stain of failure on their resume. Ironically, my fear of failure has only lead to the realization of it. You followers of The Secret are probably eating this up right now.

So, while everyone is interrupting the impressive PowerPoint presentation in an effort to appear genuinely interested and concerned by asking probing questions, I think back to the idealistic girl I was only a short time ago that had dreams of changing the world, one day, one person at a time. My dreams had nothing to do with chasing dollar bills, but the reality is money is a necessity not a want. After college my focus was no longer on sharing the beautiful world that existed in my brain and making it a brighter, sunnier place but instead in I decided to refocus that energy on my bank account. And years later here I am, sitting in a board room learning how to sell products I don't really care about, using not one of my natural talents and ability, and a bank account with a cloud so huge over it that I had to get a part-time job so now I work 7 days a week and at the end of the month I still have nothing to show for it. I feel as if I'm committing some sort of sin living my life this way and maybe I am. Maybe there is nothing wrong with this job and the people that seem to love it. They have their reasons. They know their why. They have what I want...a sense of purpose so putting forth the effort to be successful despite the shortcomings of the company isn't asking a lot of them.

By the end of the presentation I feel enlightened. I know I made this career choice for the wrong reasons. But my dilemma is what do I do with this epiphany. I can't just quit and although I have tried for months, no meaningful community oriented company has wanted to give me the time of day and the talents I once had are slightly rusty because they only exist in the part of my brain that only works when I'm sleeping.

I let out a huge yawn because I didn't get home until 11:30 p.m. the night before and took three hours winding down and I forgot to eat dinner and breakfast so my stomach growles ferociously at me. I'm in serious need of a break because at this point I'm mentally exhausted from trying to think of ways I can fix my life and make it count for something. Somewhere in me is a woman that's got a lot to offer, but for the absurd reason of the pursuit of wealth I buried her and tucked her away because I didn't think she would fit in the very real world where you're quantified by the money you earn instead of the people you serve.

It's like ordering veal at a restaurant in an effort to appear refined when you would've been thrilled to have a fat juicy cheeseburger with pickles on the side. It might not be what everyone else is ordering, but it's what you want and need to be satisfied and if you've got any balls whatsoever you won't be afraid to raise the eyebrows of those around you and say, "you know what, I changed my mind. I want a cheeseburger."

So I'm ready to return my entree for something more simple and less refined. I'm ready to not hesitate to open my eyes the next time my alarm clock goes off at 6:45. The dilemma now is how?