Hi There. This is about to be the most personal thing I've ever shared in public since I started writing this blog, so I'll admit I'm a little scared. But I feel like I'm not alone here, and maybe I can help somebody else.
Two years and 4 months ago I suffered a miscarriage. The tragedy for me though wasn't just the loss of the child, but I lost a great deal of trust with it. My perception of how things happen and how people should respond to each other was shattered. But I didn't have time to grieve, I was too busy picking up all these broken pieces and blaming myself for it happening in the first place. For the most part I would say I cleaned up pretty well, but every once in awhile I'll step on a piece of leftover glass.
These leftover pieces we find, sometimes years after you thought you dealt with the event; they are called insecurities. They remind us of the damage that was done and that it could happen again and we need to make sure it doesn't. But if you are a person of faith, you know that taking the situation in your own hands never works out to anyone's benefit, particularly your own.
All of us have insecurities...some more major than others. But have you ever stopped to really examine where those insecurities stem from? That's what it means to cope: to take a second to really learn and understand from that thing that happened so you can function despite it and still have a positive impact on the world around you.
When you were hurt as a child, your Mother/Father probably didn't just smack a band aid on top of it...dirt and all. No, they cleaned it out. Even if you winced in pain at the cleansing process, it had to be done in order to make sure the infection didn't spread or linger longer than necessary.
So how do you cleanse when the wound is on the inside? Well, from the inside of course. You have to make your voice...the voice that is truly who you are, speak back to the scared little person that takes residence in your brain at times. So this is the script I came up with....
"I hear you, and I know where you're coming from and I understand why you feel this way. But I'm really not (ugly, dumb, unlovable, unworthy, mean, pathetic), despite what other people and/or experiences have taught you. I am a child of God and He loves me, He made me and since He made me, none of those qualities are me. Those bad things happened so that I could be a better person. The type of person that understands and can help other people through their pain, not so that I could dwell in that pain. I know some of those things still hurt and they make the world seem like a scary place, but there are beautiful things in it to, and I don't want to miss out on them. I know God said He has good plans for me; everything He plans for me is good, even if it hurts at the moment. So I'm going to trust Him ok? It's time to leave that behind me."
I wrote that for me, I encourage you to write your own script in your true voice. But before you can discover your true voice, I encourage you to spend time with God first so you know who you really are. Then you will know when you're talking, or when fear/pain/despair/anger, all things that are not part of your original design are talking. Don't embrace those things as who you are, and don't allow anyone else to tell you that's who you are either. You are whoever you chose to be.
Having a full life doesn't mean you are insecure free, it means you can look those insecurities in the face and decide to live life to the fullest any way.